Thursday, January 26, 2012

So on Friday, the 20th, Matt and I took miss Haylei to see her first movie...we saw Beauty and the Beast in 3D. She was SO excited to be at "her movie" and to eat popcorn and drink pop! She is so silly...she wore the glasses all through the previews but once the movie started she put them up on her head!! I kept telling her to put them on her face but she wouldn't listen :). She made it through the whole movie, which I didn't think that she would. Once we got home, my night got horrible...I figured out through natural things that my IUI cycle had failed. I was devastated to say the least...I haven't decided if I have it in me to try a 3rd time...still praying and thinking on that.

Saturday was Haylei's 4th birthday!! I just love her SO incredibly much! We had a Hello Kitty birthday party and she had so much fun!! A few things about Haylei on her 4th birthday:

She weighs about 32 pounds
Wearing mostly 3T and 4 clothing
She wears a size 8 1/2 - 9 shoe
She sleeps wonderfully at night and would still take a two hour nap most days
She can recognize her name if written and always recognizes the letter H
She talks Non.Stop. :)
She LOVES her uncle Matt more than anybody

Here is the Birthday girl on her birthday in her pretty party dress


She thought Nana and Papa's card was funny! Actually she was laughing becuase I was making her sit still while I read to her!! :)

Thursday, January 19, 2012


Again with the crazy person emotions...last night I hit rock bottom of this cycle. My bestie, who has struggled with infertility and 2 miscarriages, texted me a picture yesterday morning, bright and early of a positive pregnancy test...while I am elated for her and also scared for the thought of another MC, my heart was crushed. She asked me not to share the news with anyone because of the risk she has for miscarrying, but who in the world am I supposed to cry and vent to?? I feel so alone in this journey, I feel like no one really cares about it and no body ever asks how i'm feeling (physically and emotionally). I do realize people don't care about this nearly as much as I do, but still a nice "how are you feeling" would be nice. Selfish, yes, but still needed. Last night I remembered the song "smile" here are the lyrics:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Once I listened to the song the tears started and wouldn't stop. I climbed in the hot bath and just poured my heart and soul out to God. I begged, bargained, pleaded and then got a little angry. I feel like this is my last chance. This is it. Yes i have the money for one more IUI cycle, but I don't know if I can handle this again. And if that IUI cycle didn't work...the end. I will never have the money for IVF and so that would be the end of my road, and that thought devastates me. It rocked me to the core. I don't understand how this is fair, yes i realize life isn't always fair, but being a mother is my life long dream. When we were in high school, everyone knew I'd be the one with 10 kids! Thats how much I loved babies. I want to look at a pregnancy test and see two lines or the words pregnant. Then I want to go to the store and buy more tests just so I can keep seeing those words. I want to be able to announce Guess WhaT?? I'm Pregnant!! But no, I feel like I'll never have that joy. I want to listen to my child's heartbeat within me. I want to have morning sickness. I want to experience that fear when I bring my newborn baby home for the first time. Dear God, please let me have the desire of my heart!!!

Is this post sad and dramatic...yes, but this is my heart right now. Its heavy, its broken and its very, very hurt.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

So many emotions

Well, here I set, the day of my second IUI for this cycle...I had one insemination yesterday and then one today. Yesterday when Dr. B and MK came in my room, they acted a bit concerened about the sperm count...there was only 2 million sperm. Last cycle there was 21 million both days. They said that stress, sickness or being on antibiotics could cause this. Which Matt was sick last week with the stomach bug. So we went ahead and did the insemination anyway. They told Matt to drink lots of fluids(water and gatorade) yesterday and we'd do it again tomorrow(today). After my insemination, I stayed laying on the table for a good 30 minutes, because MK came back in the room and just talked to me about coding stuff. Afterwards I came on home and was extremely bloated and a little crampy. Today when I went in, there were 13 million sperm...they said that Dr. Wortham washed them in a different fluid trying to help the count out. They seemed okay with that number. There was a med student in the room with us today and so I got to try and listen to Dr. B explain what was going on...the funny thing is that I did not feeling the "high pitched cramp" like the last 3 times they've done really wasn't painful at all, so much so that I wondered if they even did it! Maybe it was the different fluid the sperm was washed in??

After I left the clinic, actually while I was still laying on the table, I just had an overwhelming sadness. I come to think of it like the build up of Christmas, you plan and plan and plan over and over for Christmas, you buy things and get ready for the big day, then after 5 minutes, the whole ordeal is over and you feel so letdown. Thats what my sadness feels like. Since the day I found out my last cycle hadn't worked, which was Nov 23rd, I went into planning mode again, the very next day, AF came and I began my BC pills that night, so I feel like I just jumped right back into "doing something". I did BC for 4 weeks, then a suppression U/S and then the week after started shots. When I feel sad or overwhelmed, I like to get on the web and find blogs dealing with infertility. Its just where I am right consumes all of my thoughts, emotions and time. I am praying with everything in me that this cycle works...this one sticks. I go on Jan 23rd for my BHCG. I am praying for numbers over 25!!! We do have the funds, thanks to Christmas, for one more cycle. I am just praying that I can use that $2000 to buy baby furniture and gear!!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Whew! What.a.week! Last Saturday night, New Years Eve, we bought a new car!! We bought a '12 Ford Explorer...I had a moment of insanity and went car shopping...bad idea, I should NEVER go car shopping! Then on Sunday morning, Matt woke up not feeling well and then the stomach virus arrived at our house with full force. By Sunday afternoon, I had the vomitting and we were both sick as dogs.

By Monday, we were both feeling better and just spent the day recouperating. The rest of the week was absolutley insane and with me being on my Follistim injections for this IUI cycle, I was a wreck. I fought anxiety all week long and by Thursday night, I was just about ready to go the ER thinking I was having a heart attack! Hormones are NuTs!!

I went yesterday for my 2nd monitoring appt for this cycle, and I had several good follicles still, but needed one more night of injections and so tonight, I get to wake my mom up at midnight to give me my HCG trigger shot and then I am scheduled for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am praying with everything I have in me that it works this time!!