Feelings

The past couple of weeks have been so full of emotions and feelings I just don't know where to begin. Last night I had a total breakdown...poor Matt! The whole Fertility journey, I feel like I kind of have watched it from the medical perspective, not as if it were actually myself. Two weeks ago, my nurse called and said that the Clomid did not work and therefore I need to start injectable drugs, Follistim. While that knocked the wind out of me for a time, I still viewed it as "Thats okay". But now, as I am trying to get my fianances in order, and looking at the reality of the whole ordeal...I am scared/excited/nervous/something!!! Ha! I began Femcon on Tuesday and scheduled an appt for 10/25 to go get an ultrasound and make sure my ovaries are suppressed...if they are we'll order the injectables right away, if not, i'll take a few more of the BC pills and then do another U/S and go from there. I know that God has a plan...I know that God is bigger than this....I do whole heartedly believe that God has placed Dr. B and staff in my path for a reason...Do I wish it were easier? yes. Do I love going through this? No, but I will take it and use it and hopefully help someone else in my shoes down the road. I know that God sees all my tomorrows...he sees the end of my journey and how this will all play out, I do not. I feel like I am so incredibly close to my dreams yet so far away. Right now I am just praying for the money part of this journey to work out...last night when I was in hysterics, I said "This is not fair. It is not fair that I can't have a child because I don't have the money to get myself pg" But I know that life is not fair, those who have to battle cancer...thats not fair. More ramblings later....