The next move

The last few days have been full of new ideas, new thoughts and new plans. Exciting, scary and sad all at the same time!

When I was praying for my latest cycle to work, probably as much as I prayed for my cycle to work, I prayed for peace if it didn't. I asked God, if it wasn't going to happen, just to give me peace. Peace to move on, peace to do something different, peace in my heart and mind. And that is one prayer He answered. While I know He did answer the prayer for my cycle...it just wasn't in the way I expected or wanted. He simply answered with a No, not now. Wait. I will say that yes, I cried for probably an hour, then I spent time trying to just get my thoughts together and try to figure out how to tell Matt and the tears stopped. We were able to have a great weekend with little Haylei (my precious niece). We did gymnastics and went to another niece's soccer game and then played at the park and then topped it off with grilling burgers!!

But onto the new and exciting....so I've had the paperwork for adoption for several months now, I've never been able to open the packet to begin filling it out. I just wasn't there yet. So I scheduled us for the pre-service training classes, which is the 12 hours of education that you have to have in order to get certified. I cracked open the packet last night and got writer's cramp trying to fill out all the papers! But, we had our first training session this morning. It was actually refreshing to not be talking about fertility treatments!! My plan at the moment is to concurrently work on weight loss so that we may be able to do IVF in the fall while getting certified to become an adoptive home. I am NOT ready to give up on the dream of experiencing pregnancy and giving birth yet. I meet with my RE in a couple of weeks and we'll know more then. But my thoughts are that if our IVF treatments fail, that we'd already be certified as an adoptive home, then we could open our home and hopefully have a child quickly. Again, this is all my plans, not His. I guess time will tell.

My sweet Haylei at the park in between soccer games

This is how Haylei sleeps, with her arm around Matt's neck. Melts. my. heart.

 Haylei's first attempt at writing the letter "B". The last two are hers. :)

 My sister and three of my niece, the girl on the end of the couch is a friend of my oldeset niece.

After church Sunday we went to Rib Crib...this girl loves BBQ!

Another "no"

My eyes are filled with tears as I sit here writing this post...I just got off the phone with my nurse and got the results of my latest IUI...a BFN. Of course. I had such hope and a positive thought on this because this cycle had the best numbers yet. I had two follicles and the sperm counts were good. But I suppose this wasn't God's plan or timing.

I'll tell from the beginning...DH had a vasectomy reversal 4 years ago, his counts have always been good and we were very hopeful. Then after a couple years of nothing, and my cycles began getting crazy, I decided it was time to see my doctor. I just went to my PCP and she diagnosed me with PCOS based on symptoms and then blood work confirmed it. She started me on 250mg of Metformin a day and prescribed BC for 3 months. So I did as she asked and took my last pack of pills in January and immediatley my cycles went nuts again. So I scheduled an appt with an RE here in Tulsa. My appt with him was 3/28/11 and he confirmed the PCOS and increased my Metformin to 1000mg per day and we scheduled another semen analysis since it had been a couple years since DH had one. It turned out okay, needed to take some vitamins, but still was okay. I then had my HSG at the beginning of June and it was normal. My next step was a laparoscopy in August. It showed stage 1 endometriosis, but he lasered it while there and thought that would fix my problems. I went for my post op a couple weeks later and we decided to try Clomid and then scheduled an endometrial biopsy, he said that would tell if the Clomid made me ovulate or not. So we did that, it didn't work. Next step...double IUI's with injectables(Follisitim). Well I had one in November, January and then March. All failed.

My heart is so heavy and burdened. I am surrounded by pregnant people!! My marriage I feel is suffering, though Matt has been great and a trooper, doing everything he was supposed to do. So I think we are going to take some time off and try to regroup, I'm going to go in and talk to my RE and make another game plan, the nurse said maybe try a few months of Lupron and weight loss and then gear up for IVF in the fall. This journey is one that I would never in my life wish on my worst enemy. It doesn't make sense to me, none of my family have ever had any issues like this, and so for me...the one who loves children and always thought i'd have 10...this is really bizaare. I know God is bigger than this and I know he holds me in his hands.

again....

So here I sit again, the morning of one of my final IUI's(I have to do one tomorrow too). I feel a little at peace, but scared also. It took a lot of praying and soul searching to know if I even wanted to give this one last shot. So here I am, 13 days after giving my self shots in the legs and I'm ready to be done with it. I went to my RE on Saturday for my US and I have two really good follicles, one on each ovary and they both measured at a 19, so I was ready to trigger that night. I went to my momma's house at 10:30pm, which is different, because normally I do my trigger shot at midnight, and she gave me my shot in the bootie, OUCH! I've just really tried to focus on the fact that God knows what He's doing...He knows all my tomorrows and what they contain, but I still get anxious at times. My lifelong dream has always been to have kids, growing up and in high school, everyone said that I would be the one with 10 kids! Ha! But here I sit, 29 and 1/2, and no children. That thought scares the crap outta me. Well, thats all for now, gotta get ready to go to the clinic.

So on Friday, the 20th, Matt and I took miss Haylei to see her first movie...we saw Beauty and the Beast in 3D. She was SO excited to be at "her movie" and to eat popcorn and drink pop! She is so silly...she wore the glasses all through the previews but once the movie started she put them up on her head!! I kept telling her to put them on her face but she wouldn't listen :). She made it through the whole movie, which I didn't think that she would. Once we got home, my night got horrible...I figured out through natural things that my IUI cycle had failed. I was devastated to say the least...I haven't decided if I have it in me to try a 3rd time...still praying and thinking on that.

Saturday was Haylei's 4th birthday!! I just love her SO incredibly much! We had a Hello Kitty birthday party and she had so much fun!! A few things about Haylei on her 4th birthday:

She weighs about 32 pounds
Wearing mostly 3T and 4 clothing
She wears a size 8 1/2 - 9 shoe
She sleeps wonderfully at night and would still take a two hour nap most days
She can recognize her name if written and always recognizes the letter H
She talks Non.Stop. :)
She LOVES her uncle Matt more than anybody


Here is the Birthday girl on her birthday in her pretty party dress

 

She thought Nana and Papa's card was funny! Actually she was laughing becuase I was making her sit still while I read to her!! :)

1/19/12

Again with the crazy person emotions...last night I hit rock bottom of this cycle. My bestie, who has struggled with infertility and 2 miscarriages, texted me a picture yesterday morning, bright and early of a positive pregnancy test...while I am elated for her and also scared for the thought of another MC, my heart was crushed. She asked me not to share the news with anyone because of the risk she has for miscarrying, but who in the world am I supposed to cry and vent to?? I feel so alone in this journey, I feel like no one really cares about it and no body ever asks how i'm feeling (physically and emotionally). I do realize people don't care about this nearly as much as I do, but still a nice "how are you feeling" would be nice. Selfish, yes, but still needed. Last night I remembered the song "smile" here are the lyrics:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile



That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

************************************************************
Once I listened to the song the tears started and wouldn't stop. I climbed in the hot bath and just poured my heart and soul out to God. I begged, bargained, pleaded and then got a little angry. I feel like this is my last chance. This is it. Yes i have the money for one more IUI cycle, but I don't know if I can handle this again. And if that IUI cycle didn't work...the end. I will never have the money for IVF and so that would be the end of my road, and that thought devastates me. It rocked me to the core. I don't understand how this is fair, yes i realize life isn't always fair, but being a mother is my life long dream. When we were in high school, everyone knew I'd be the one with 10 kids! Thats how much I loved babies. I want to look at a pregnancy test and see two lines or the words pregnant. Then I want to go to the store and buy more tests just so I can keep seeing those words. I want to be able to announce Guess WhaT?? I'm Pregnant!! But no, I feel like I'll never have that joy. I want to listen to my child's heartbeat within me. I want to have morning sickness. I want to experience that fear when I bring my newborn baby home for the first time. Dear God, please let me have the desire of my heart!!!

Is this post sad and dramatic...yes, but this is my heart right now. Its heavy, its broken and its very, very hurt.

So many emotions

Well, here I set, the day of my second IUI for this cycle...I had one insemination yesterday and then one today. Yesterday when Dr. B and MK came in my room, they acted a bit concerened about the sperm count...there was only 2 million sperm. Last cycle there was 21 million both days. They said that stress, sickness or being on antibiotics could cause this. Which Matt was sick last week with the stomach bug. So we went ahead and did the insemination anyway. They told Matt to drink lots of fluids(water and gatorade) yesterday and we'd do it again tomorrow(today). After my insemination, I stayed laying on the table for a good 30 minutes, because MK came back in the room and just talked to me about coding stuff. Afterwards I came on home and was extremely bloated and a little crampy. Today when I went in, there were 13 million sperm...they said that Dr. Wortham washed them in a different fluid trying to help the count out. They seemed okay with that number. There was a med student in the room with us today and so I got to try and listen to Dr. B explain what was going on...the funny thing is that I did not feeling the "high pitched cramp" like the last 3 times they've done it...it really wasn't painful at all, so much so that I wondered if they even did it! Maybe it was the different fluid the sperm was washed in??

After I left the clinic, actually while I was still laying on the table, I just had an overwhelming sadness. I come to think of it like the build up of Christmas, you plan and plan and plan over and over for Christmas, you buy things and get ready for the big day, then after 5 minutes, the whole ordeal is over and you feel so letdown. Thats what my sadness feels like. Since the day I found out my last cycle hadn't worked, which was Nov 23rd, I went into planning mode again, the very next day, AF came and I began my BC pills that night, so I feel like I just jumped right back into "doing something". I did BC for 4 weeks, then a suppression U/S and then the week after started shots. When I feel sad or overwhelmed, I like to get on the web and find blogs dealing with infertility. Its just where I am right now...it consumes all of my thoughts, emotions and time. I am praying with everything in me that this cycle works...this one sticks. I go on Jan 23rd for my BHCG. I am praying for numbers over 25!!! We do have the funds, thanks to Christmas, for one more cycle. I am just praying that I can use that $2000 to buy baby furniture and gear!!!

Whew! What.a.week! Last Saturday night, New Years Eve, we bought a new car!! We bought a '12 Ford Explorer...I had a moment of insanity and went car shopping...bad idea, I should NEVER go car shopping! Then on Sunday morning, Matt woke up not feeling well and then the stomach virus arrived at our house with full force. By Sunday afternoon, I had the vomitting and we were both sick as dogs.

By Monday, we were both feeling better and just spent the day recouperating. The rest of the week was absolutley insane and with me being on my Follistim injections for this IUI cycle, I was a wreck. I fought anxiety all week long and by Thursday night, I was just about ready to go the ER thinking I was having a heart attack! Hormones are NuTs!!

I went yesterday for my 2nd monitoring appt for this cycle, and I had several good follicles still, but needed one more night of injections and so tonight, I get to wake my mom up at midnight to give me my HCG trigger shot and then I am scheduled for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am praying with everything I have in me that it works this time!!