The next move

The last few days have been full of new ideas, new thoughts and new plans. Exciting, scary and sad all at the same time!

When I was praying for my latest cycle to work, probably as much as I prayed for my cycle to work, I prayed for peace if it didn't. I asked God, if it wasn't going to happen, just to give me peace. Peace to move on, peace to do something different, peace in my heart and mind. And that is one prayer He answered. While I know He did answer the prayer for my cycle...it just wasn't in the way I expected or wanted. He simply answered with a No, not now. Wait. I will say that yes, I cried for probably an hour, then I spent time trying to just get my thoughts together and try to figure out how to tell Matt and the tears stopped. We were able to have a great weekend with little Haylei (my precious niece). We did gymnastics and went to another niece's soccer game and then played at the park and then topped it off with grilling burgers!!

But onto the new and exciting....so I've had the paperwork for adoption for several months now, I've never been able to open the packet to begin filling it out. I just wasn't there yet. So I scheduled us for the pre-service training classes, which is the 12 hours of education that you have to have in order to get certified. I cracked open the packet last night and got writer's cramp trying to fill out all the papers! But, we had our first training session this morning. It was actually refreshing to not be talking about fertility treatments!! My plan at the moment is to concurrently work on weight loss so that we may be able to do IVF in the fall while getting certified to become an adoptive home. I am NOT ready to give up on the dream of experiencing pregnancy and giving birth yet. I meet with my RE in a couple of weeks and we'll know more then. But my thoughts are that if our IVF treatments fail, that we'd already be certified as an adoptive home, then we could open our home and hopefully have a child quickly. Again, this is all my plans, not His. I guess time will tell.

My sweet Haylei at the park in between soccer games

This is how Haylei sleeps, with her arm around Matt's neck. Melts. my. heart.

 Haylei's first attempt at writing the letter "B". The last two are hers. :)

 My sister and three of my niece, the girl on the end of the couch is a friend of my oldeset niece.

After church Sunday we went to Rib Crib...this girl loves BBQ!

Another "no"

My eyes are filled with tears as I sit here writing this post...I just got off the phone with my nurse and got the results of my latest IUI...a BFN. Of course. I had such hope and a positive thought on this because this cycle had the best numbers yet. I had two follicles and the sperm counts were good. But I suppose this wasn't God's plan or timing.

I'll tell from the beginning...DH had a vasectomy reversal 4 years ago, his counts have always been good and we were very hopeful. Then after a couple years of nothing, and my cycles began getting crazy, I decided it was time to see my doctor. I just went to my PCP and she diagnosed me with PCOS based on symptoms and then blood work confirmed it. She started me on 250mg of Metformin a day and prescribed BC for 3 months. So I did as she asked and took my last pack of pills in January and immediatley my cycles went nuts again. So I scheduled an appt with an RE here in Tulsa. My appt with him was 3/28/11 and he confirmed the PCOS and increased my Metformin to 1000mg per day and we scheduled another semen analysis since it had been a couple years since DH had one. It turned out okay, needed to take some vitamins, but still was okay. I then had my HSG at the beginning of June and it was normal. My next step was a laparoscopy in August. It showed stage 1 endometriosis, but he lasered it while there and thought that would fix my problems. I went for my post op a couple weeks later and we decided to try Clomid and then scheduled an endometrial biopsy, he said that would tell if the Clomid made me ovulate or not. So we did that, it didn't work. Next step...double IUI's with injectables(Follisitim). Well I had one in November, January and then March. All failed.

My heart is so heavy and burdened. I am surrounded by pregnant people!! My marriage I feel is suffering, though Matt has been great and a trooper, doing everything he was supposed to do. So I think we are going to take some time off and try to regroup, I'm going to go in and talk to my RE and make another game plan, the nurse said maybe try a few months of Lupron and weight loss and then gear up for IVF in the fall. This journey is one that I would never in my life wish on my worst enemy. It doesn't make sense to me, none of my family have ever had any issues like this, and so for me...the one who loves children and always thought i'd have 10...this is really bizaare. I know God is bigger than this and I know he holds me in his hands.

1/19/12

Again with the crazy person emotions...last night I hit rock bottom of this cycle. My bestie, who has struggled with infertility and 2 miscarriages, texted me a picture yesterday morning, bright and early of a positive pregnancy test...while I am elated for her and also scared for the thought of another MC, my heart was crushed. She asked me not to share the news with anyone because of the risk she has for miscarrying, but who in the world am I supposed to cry and vent to?? I feel so alone in this journey, I feel like no one really cares about it and no body ever asks how i'm feeling (physically and emotionally). I do realize people don't care about this nearly as much as I do, but still a nice "how are you feeling" would be nice. Selfish, yes, but still needed. Last night I remembered the song "smile" here are the lyrics:

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile



That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

************************************************************
Once I listened to the song the tears started and wouldn't stop. I climbed in the hot bath and just poured my heart and soul out to God. I begged, bargained, pleaded and then got a little angry. I feel like this is my last chance. This is it. Yes i have the money for one more IUI cycle, but I don't know if I can handle this again. And if that IUI cycle didn't work...the end. I will never have the money for IVF and so that would be the end of my road, and that thought devastates me. It rocked me to the core. I don't understand how this is fair, yes i realize life isn't always fair, but being a mother is my life long dream. When we were in high school, everyone knew I'd be the one with 10 kids! Thats how much I loved babies. I want to look at a pregnancy test and see two lines or the words pregnant. Then I want to go to the store and buy more tests just so I can keep seeing those words. I want to be able to announce Guess WhaT?? I'm Pregnant!! But no, I feel like I'll never have that joy. I want to listen to my child's heartbeat within me. I want to have morning sickness. I want to experience that fear when I bring my newborn baby home for the first time. Dear God, please let me have the desire of my heart!!!

Is this post sad and dramatic...yes, but this is my heart right now. Its heavy, its broken and its very, very hurt.

Catch up!

Whew! Its been 3 weeks since I posted! Here's a little about whats been happening at the Simon household....

August 15th I turned the big 29! Holy cow, where did the time go?!?!
August 22nd-I had my follow up appt after my surgery and we got to go over the plan for getting a baby! Dr. B started me on Progesterone since I hadn't had my cycle since June 21st. I began Progesterone that night and took it for 7 days. Once my cycle started, I was instructed to call Mary Catherine, his nurse. She called me in Clomid to begin taking day 3 and continue through day 7. I was also scheduled for an endometrial biopsy to be done on day 24 of my cycle. The biopsy will show if the Clomid actually made me ovulate as that is all the Dr believes is my problem at this point. Since I take Glumetza for the PCOS and had my endo lasered, if he can get me to ovulating, I should be fine. If the biospy shows that the Clomid didn't work, we'll begin Follistim injections the next month, if the biopsy did show I ovulated, then i'll just continue on it for a couple more months and if I don't get pregnant on that, we'll switch to the Follistim. Whew!

So today I am taking my last pill of 50mg Clomid. I have had hot flashes galore, but haven't much felt like doing bodily harm to anyone, so thats a good thing!! HA! My biopsy is in two weeks and I am already nervous about that, but I know it'll all be okay. I trust my doctor completely and I am willing to do whatever it takes to have a child.

So we get a long 3 day weekend!! Yay! i am a little sad that we aren't going camping this Labor day weekend, but it has just been way to hot to be sleeping outdoors and sweating on purpose! Miss thang will have gymnastics tomorrow and then as soon as that is over, we're heading to the lake for the day with Nana and Papa and all Haylei's cousins!!

This crazy life

I have been a blog lurker for a couple of years now....I absolutley love reading blogs and getting ideas for recipes, birthday parties and getting encouragement from people with a strong faith. I am just a simple girl, living in a small town in Oklahoma who has a crazy, fun life. I have no children of my own, but a couple of step-children whom I love dearly and a sweet, precious niece who occupies most of my time!! I have 13 nieces and nephews all together and I love each of them dearly!! Some of my posts I am sure will be boring....but I just want to be able to network with others out in this crazy life! I am currently strugging with trying to concieve. Its been 3 years since we began and I feel like we are getting closer to being parents of our child. There is a lot more on this to come I am sure.


xoxo,
Erin